Being one of the Extras is both an honour and a privilege. Playing at the
very top of your chosen sport is the pinnacle for any sportsman, and whilst the
fame and money representing The Extras brings are nice fringe benefits, that’s
all they are. The true thrill is donning the fabled Extras shirt and going into
battle every Saturday. The blood sweat and indeed, tears, we shed for the cause
are what have made us household names the width and breadth of the land.
One question we are continually asked is ‘what’s it like to be an
Extra? Unfortunately for the vast majority of the readers of this article,
you’ll never know. You see, you’re just not special enough. That said, we
feel we owe it to the little people to try to answer the question and light up
your rather sad and insignificant lives with a glimpse into our world. It’s
good to give something back.
To try to give you all an insight into the magical world of The Extras,
the following is a transcript of various conversations recorded in the Extras
changing room before and immediately after a recent game. We hope it goes some
way to showing you why The Extras have become an icon of their age. These
warriors really put it in when it matters.
Liam : Right guys, let’s get changed and get out there and
warm-up.
Geary and Toddy : What?
Liam : You know, warm up. Run through a few things before the
game.
Geary : What things?
Liam : Well, I dunno. A few scrums. A bit of line out practice.
That sort of thing.
Toddy : We didn’t do that in the old days. Why start now?
Liam : Because we want to win today, Beside I’m in charge and
it’s my ball, and I say we’re gonna have a warm-up.
Geary : But we don’t want to warm-up. We scared of warming-up.
Liam (gently) : Look, don’t be frightened. There’s nothing to
be afraid of.
Norford : I need a wee. Steve, can you take me to the toilet?
Steve : Terry, I’m busy right now. Can’t you go on your own
for once. You’re a grown man.
Norford : Oh please Steve. I get frightened on my own….Please.
Steve : No. I’m sorry Terry, but it’s time you learnt to do
things on your own.
Norford : Ian, will you take me to the loo?
(Noise of someone running from changing room)
Liam : Look, no-one’s taking any of you to the toilet, We’re
going out for a warm-up as soon as we’ve got changed.
Geary : What’s a warm-up again?
Liam : Oh for Christ’s sake.
(sound of Terry Norford in background softly weeping)
Gez : OK, where’s my Lucozade? Who’s got it?
Trigger : Whoa, chill out.
Gez : Listen, I need it. It’s not fair you lot drinking it
every week. I’m a diabetic. I need Lucozade. You lot are well out of
order.I’m a diabetic so everyone pay attention to me If I don't get my blood
sugar level right. (Ed. – This part of the tape runs for 6 minutes and has Gez
saying pretty much the same things over and over again!)
…..so I need it. WHERE IS IT ?
Trigger : Is that it in your bag?
Gez : Oh. Well thanks. Just you lot make sure you don’t drink
it.
(sound of 13 men sneering and Norford weeping)
AFTER THE GAME
Steve : Well played Ratty. Good try.
Ratty : Shit, did I score? I just remember falling over.
Steve : Yeah, luckily you were over the line
Ratty : Brilliant player, aren’t I
Steve : You certainly are.
Toddy : Oi, Stanton, what were you doing when you were pumping
your legs really hard and moving your arms in time.
Geary : Yeah. That was weird. What the hell did you think you were
doing.
Stanton : Er, I was sprinting chaps.
Geary : What’s sprinting?
Stanton : Never mind.
Toddy (whispering) : I think
it’s like the warm-up
Geary : What’s a warm-up?
Toddy : Dunno.
Norford : I don’t need a wee anymore.
Liam : Why not?
Norford : Went while I was in the scrum
Toddy : Me too.
Geary : Me too.
Woodlock : Me too!!
Steve : That’s explains the stench then.
Trigger : See me running. Luger, I am. Fucking Dan Luger.
Gez : I am a diabetic you know.
Ratty : Shut up.
(sound of Terry Norford crying)
Ratty : No, not you Terry. Come on, please don’t start crying
again.
Norford (between sobs) : Will there be sandwiches tonight?
That’s a segment of life in The Extras
– come back soon for more ‘live’ dialogue between the players of
Britain’s favourite team.