The Extras' Tour to Harrogate 1992

Unbiased Spectator, often seen with his dog on the touch-line at Extras' home games was asked to give his view of the first Extras' tour.

Well! I can't believe you lot. Fancy letting Roy make the arrangements for this tour, and what was the result? An hour and a half wait in one of Bedfordshire's beauty spots - Chicksands bottom gate! When will you ever learn?

I suppose the journey up was reasonably uneventful apart from having to stop off at every service station so that Ratty's bladder could be emptied. One coach managed the first ever mobile Father Abraham and some of the younger element mooned virtually every female car passenger that passed. How they had time to get drunk I don't know.

Wasn't it a good idea to take the booking of the hotel away from the person who booked the coaches. Obviously the Cairn had been a top class hotel at one time but had an air of seediness about it. I suppose the fact that one of the guests was able to cut a bit of the hotel carpet and use it as a wig without hardly anyone noticing was a fair reflection of the state of decay. But all things considered the warm happy disposition of the staff made up for any deficiencies.

One of the highlights of the tour was Saturday's game. When the fit young athletes of Knaresborough saw the empty cans of beer and such tumble from the coach doors as aging players slowly eased themselves out and one or two younger ones fell out they thought they were onto a winner. Little did they know!

Knaresborough's hopes of victory were boosted when the comic figure of the Extras' outside half appeared late, as usual, on the pitch, but the laugh was on him when he slotted over a lucky drop goal which he had meant as a clearance kick to touch before he had dropped the ball. The esteem with which this was held was evident from the total silence with which it was greeted by his fellow tourists.

Allen Thomas spent a lot of time introducing himself to the opposition, but few seemed to want to meet him again - perhaps it was the garlic he and CJ ate that put them off.

A really fine display by the forwards saw a try awarded when the other Alan Thomas picked up the ball as Knaresborough were driven over their line at a five-metre scrum and dived over to score. Unfortunately the kicker's inebriated state saw the ball go behind him at the conversion attempt.

The second try was superb. Knaresborough, now getting back into the game after the early Extras' onslaught, kicked ahead and found Rob Hill whose elusive running owed a great deal to the Schlitz and Buds consumed on the coach. Eventually he was stopped and 'Awesome' Allen was on hand for the pass. The rest of the story is history. A couple of hand offs a few swerves and four points. 

The fight between Rob Hill and Ratty over who should take the kick was a total disgrace and any captain worth his salt would have sent the pair of them off. However by some lucky stroke the ball did go between the uprights and was even over the bar for once.

By this time the heat and beer were having their effect on the gallant, but by now hung over, tourists and the home team pulled back twelve points from two converted tries, but it wasn't enough and their unbeaten home run was shattered.

A social evening in the Knaresborough team's adopted pub, The Union, (obviously pandering to the tour leader) saw that person presented with a plaque and a polo shirt by the home team in response to his gift to the captain of an Ampthill tie. Within minutes the plaque went missing, but who would have expected anything else.

By this time the first tourist to fade out was taken and left to sleep in one of the coaches by his colleagues and soon after the rest of the touring party followed and everyone left to go back to Harrogate. The Pump Room was the first stop off for the by now twenty-one strong party. This proved to be a nice sedate pub, but before long was ringing to the sounds of Father Abraham and within minutes there were squeals of amazement, shock, admiration and ridicule as twenty tourists were singing naked in the bar. What would the regulars tell their friends on Monday?

The group split up after this and various groups went their own way. Indian restaurants, night (or nite) clubs, gay bars and private parties were all seized on as destinations by the revellers.

Perhaps a veil should be drawn over the rest of the night. One tourist had the best curry of his life, and another proved himself a hero when he came to the aid of the tour sneak who was grappling with some passers-by after they had started to help themselves to the tour slush fund he had arranged over the pavement. However drunk they were the tourists showed consideration to the tour leader by phoning him to let him know that they got back to the hotel - I understand he expressed relief on hearing the news.

Breakfast was a hazy time for most, but copious coffees and large fried breakfasts complete with fried black pudding helped pull the tourists into a state of lethargy. Following the meal Andy Morgan and Dave Ratcliffe seemed unduly interested in the old time dancing that was going on in the ball room, but there was little enthusiasm for much else.

After the round up of fines two tourists were awarded the worm for their contribution to the tour, and both recipients, Dave and Kent certainly looked better for the additional intake of protean.

As most tourists were incapable of 'doing a runner' (most could not have done a 'walker') we paid up and bid 'farewell' to the Cairn and set off for Menwith Hills.

Well, if you thought the top pitch at Ampthill was bleak you should have been here. A force ten gale blowing from one end of the pitch to the other made it a game of two halves. Geoff Parker's determination and eye for a gap got Ampthill four points just before the interval, but in the second half Nathan Weigelt, a former Extras player, got four points back for the home team. 

The Extras again played well in the conditions with Jim Moore and Rob Hill clearing the dangerous kicks ahead from the home team to keep them in the game. I don't know what it was like on the pitch but me and the dog froze our butts off.

In the changing rooms after the game the usual happy banter could be heard but I understand that one tourist made a real pig of himself with the shampoo, borrowing it from all and sundry.

Given a howling gale freezing everything what did we do next - we had a bloody 'barby'. It was as much as you could do to get a decent burger. As soon as you let go of your roll it blew away, and if you weren't lucky so did your burger and bit of chicken. However everyone filled up with the lovely spread of salads supplied by our kind hosts.

As a further sign of their kindness the good players from Menwith Hills sold us back the plaque that had vanished at Knaresborough the day before, sold Don an out of date Menwith Mongrels rugby shirt at an inflated price and moved Dave Ratcliffe - the only one bidding - from £10 to £25 for a jumper three sizes too small at least. That action had to put him roughly on a par with the tour organiser for who to trust to organise the next tour.

Menwith, determined to see us beaten at some thing organised a mop race, but the Ampthill mop race team of Dave, Henry, Ratty, Ed, Kent and Troy were on superb form and the sight of Henry Breton powering home on the anchor leg will live forever in the dog's memory at least.

By this time some of the younger tourists were looking jaded and the coaches set off on the journey home. Once again Ratty's bladder set the seal for the interminable number of stops. Some good hearted banter, etc, was exchanged between the coaches on the journey back, and one tourist even went so far as to leave a going-away present in his namesake's bag as they approached Ampthill.

Despite the organiser's efforts to scupper the whole event most tourists enjoyed some of the tour, and it is rumoured that some enjoyed all of the tour. Kent enjoyed all he could remember of the tour, and some said they were trying to forget bits of it. One tourist even said it was the best tour he'd ever been on. And one even, in a moment of nostalgia said he wished Mick Yates had been there.

On a serious note I understand that thanks are due in no small way to the American tourists for supplying all sorts of 'fuel' that kept the tour going.

Harrogate 92. Next year? Your guess is as good as anyone else's. I'll be there with the dog wherever it is.

Well, if you believe that load of rubbish you'll believe anything. How can you trust the accuracy of someone who left Pete, our star mop race participant, out of the team list.                                         R D