A WORD FROM YOUR SPONSOR 

Greetings Extras, Kings of Men, Gunslingers, Lovers, Poets, Leaders, Warriors and Trigger. 

God here. How are ya ‘ll? 

I just wanted to let you lads know how pleased I am that I decided to sponsor your team over the last twenty odd years. Crikey it’s flown by hasn’t it? One day I’m leading the Israelites out of trouble, the next I’m watching the mighty Extras perform heroics, week after week. Awesome.  

When you first approached me about being your sponsor I was a little sceptical. The last team I sponsored were good at first, but then they got a bit big for their boots so I had to slam their aeroplane into an icy mountain in the Andes! The f**kers ended up eating each other! That said, they were on tour so fair play to them. 

Anyway, I had a chat with Roy and he convinced me that the Extras were worth throwing a few bob at so I went for it – I must say that I’m the envy of all the Supreme Beings. Some of their sponsorship deals have gone well sour – One twat from the Vendilion galaxy actually sponsored Arsenal FC for a few years – put an alien in charge of the team and everything – what a tit. 

Just a few points though – they’re minor issues but worth clearing up nonetheless.  

Liam, why have you left my son on the bench lately? I know that he’s not the fastest guy on the pitch but you’ve gotta admit it, when he tackles people with that bloody great cross strapped to his back, they stop running don’t they? Just because his kicking is shite – so would yours be if you had to play in sandals. Anyway Duff, just get him back in team pronto – stick him in at fullback. If Rob Hill has a problem with that, tell him to see me. I’ve been meaning to speak to him about his haircut anyway. 

If Pontius or Judas turn up looking for a game, tell them to piss off. They’re wankers, let them play for the 1^st team. 

My other son, Steve, isn’t really injured. Steve hates the fact that JC gets all the attention so he seems to have started to pretend he’s injured or something – tell the prat to get on with it and stop whinging about his knee. If he gives you any lip, crucify him.

Ratty, stop arsing around with the Atkins Diet. It’s not working, is it mate? Just accept the fact thatany diet that involves you eating shedloads of bacon and eggs, and guzzling ale isn’t going to help you get back in the team. You need the Extras – your life is nearly over and you need some serious redemption if you wanna spend eternity up here with Thora Hird as you fervently pray you will.  

The rest of the team – all be nice to each other at all times. Except Brian Geary. He’s in my bad books – David Beckham is NOT a god so stop worshipping him. Get a nice God hairstyle like Steve Marsden or Trigger (Ha – you thought my hair was long didn’t you? Wrong.) 

Remember, My Beautiful Extras, there are dark forces afoot. Beware the demons that lurk within every rugby club in the world. You can spot them easily enough. 

They wear blazers. 

Cheers

GOD
x 

 All reference to persons living or dead is purely incidental and are certainly not the thoughts of our esteemed editor who has not used any form of censorship 'cos he is too frightened of the man himself!!!